if only i had access to bears…

Do you remember that crazy passage from 2 Kings 2, when a bunch of kids make fun of Elisha, calling him “baldhead”–and then Elisha curses them and two bears come out of the woods and maul forty-two of the youths. It seems a little harsh, but the funniest thing is that the passage just states it matter-of-factly like that and moves on. I’ve always been fascinated by that story…

I began to wonder today, that if I lived in a hypothetical world where I had access to such bears, who would I sick them on? I quickly came up with three options:

1) Bad tippers. Every bad tipper that lives in Columbia came into Olive Garden today and sat in my section. I thought about how glorious it would be to be able to walk over to a table who just tipped me $1 total, and then say “Sick ’em girls!”, and then to the astonishment of everyone at OG, two black bears come bounding out of the kitchen wielding hot frying pans ready to do work. That may be a little extreme, but you get the point..

2) That computer/robot customer service rep who gives you the run around all the time. I mean really, what’s up with this guy? I think the last time I talked to him his name was Steve. What’s your problem Steve? I had a complicated question that I knew he would not know the answer to, so when he would prompt I would just say, “I want to talk to a real person.” Then he would smugly reply, “Actually, I’m quite capable and can probably assist you with whatever needs you may have. What is your request today?” Over and over again…”Steve, I want to talk to a real person. I know someone is listening to this, put me through to them.” And again, “Actually…”

Are you serious Steve? After about a dozen times he finally said, “Let me transfer you to someone who will be able to assist you.” Oh, thanks Steve, I appreciate that. It would have been nice to have at least been able to threaten, you know? “Steve, you don’t know this but you’re in the jungle baby! I’ve got a couple of angry bears sneaking up on you right now…do you wanna get mauled Steve? Please transfer me to someone with a pulse…”

3) Last but not least, Mark Driscoll. I might would get into trouble for this one since he is a pastor, but he at least deserves a good scaring by some foamy-mouthed bears. Those boys got mauled for calling someone a “baldy”, and Driscoll has been carelessly throwing around a much harsher word: “heresy.” In one of his latest sermons, he called out a book that I believe is amazing based on a “heretical” view of the trinity. I at the very least expected a logical case to be made for such strong claims, but I was disappointed when I realized it was noting but profoundly faulty logic and proof-texting (taking stuff of context to make it mean what you want it to). I literally do not believe he read the book. At best it was unfair and unintelligent, and at worst it was an irresponsible, unfounded, atrocious attack on a Christian brother. It is unfortunate because he has such a large voice and is turning people away from a book that could really help them grow in relationship to God. I expect more out of Driscoll…”heresy” is not a word that should be thrown around flippantly on bogus claims just because you don’t like something.  As leaders, and especially as teachers, we have to be more careful when we use words like that to draw lines in the sand.

However, I am thankful that I do not live in this hypothetical world. I know I have been a bad tipper before, and I’m sure I’ve said some really stupid stuff like the “heresy” statement before(I have not, however, been an annoying computer customer service rep, thank goodness). Thus found guilty, I would not want to get bears sicked on me by someone else…that would not be a fun way to go! So maybe here in this world we can all become more generous and fair, and get better at speaking the truth in love to each other, so that the bears can stay in the rivers and woods where they belong.

*UPDATE:  My wife was worried so I wanted to clarify that this is all a complete joke.  I do not wish for bears to be sicked onto anyone (except for Steve–he is not a human), I was simply expressing the frustration of my day creatively.  I love bad tippers–even though I don’t want to I do.  And I also love Mark Driscoll.  He is a great man of God and pastor that I respect and will still listen to, I just wish he would have been a lot more fair with this attack.   Everyone  can rest assured of their safety, I have no bears at my disposal–and if I did they would probably be teddy bears…

14 thoughts on “if only i had access to bears…”

  1. Oh my gosh…. what a great post! You had me laughing out loud, then unexpectedly flipped it to what you really wanted to say. I have not heard the Driscoll critique, but I have learned the hard way in the past that I have to be very careful what I am critical of. As I heard Perry Noble say recently, "Leaders, be very careful what you are critical of. You may be criticizing what God is doing." What a tough thing to do… boldly speak truth but being incredibly discerning at the same time.

    As far as the book goes, I have read it and thought it was very solid. There are a few "uncomfortable" things in the book that challenged my mental picture of God, but in the end I think they accomplish what they were meant to: break down some of our mental barriers to understanding the character and nature of God. The book was not meant to be a theological dissertation and while that does not give license for heresy, it does allow it some artistic and creative freedom.

    ps – As a bald guy, I have always wanted to have a few she-bears at my disposal like Elisha did to take care of all those people who pick on me.

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  3. I agree with Lee. Bears would be nice. Not only for those that make fun of my lack of hair, but for:
    -Slow drivers.
    -Soccer moms who clog up the isles at Publix.
    -The Parking Enforcement guy.
    -Certain family members.

    I am sure the list could continue, but maybe I should write my own post.

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